I thought I had read enough about c-sections to know what was going to happen if my natural birth turned c-section, but I don’t think anyone has ever shared the nitty gritty details that had me so perplexed when they happened to me. Or perhaps I’m just a sensitive soul, but if I can help another sensitive soul prepare for a life-changing experience – reliving my birth experience of an unplanned c-section is beyond worth it.

The uncomfortable c-section prep

I came from a very zen situation (a slow 24-hour induction where my cervix never dilated) to a sterile inconsiderate environment.

The nurses had me sit up and lean forward with my back exposed for an epidural. The room filled with people and my ass tat became the topic of conversation the doctors deciding it is appropriate for the occasion.

When asked, I admitted I could feel the epidural needle more to one side so they adjusted it. With that, I let out a whimper like a puppy taken from its mom. When I let them know that my body went numb, they lowered me onto my back.

Sensation trickles away, it’s as though your body is “falling asleep” (much like your foot might from inactivity), then all sensation leaves – except pressure. You can feel touch but it doesn’t hurt or feel good. It just is.

Also, my epidural went all the way up to my chest. My chest felt so heavy that it felt like I wasn’t breathing. Luckily the anesthesiologist explained this before. It’s scary imagining if you hadn’t been.

The conversations moved to weekend plans and retirements as I felt my labia spread open and a catheter placed. Now, I get it. It must be done. Possibly I’m just sensitive – but just ew.

I felt like a helpless piece of meat – definitely not like a person. Just another notch on their statistic card or a pat on the back for another c-section under their belt.

At this point, I’m trying not to cry. A man in the room notices my struggle and calls someone over to talk to me.

The anesthesiologist comes to my aid and begins to describe what is happening to me. She admits it can be awkward and that this can help. It did. She possibly wiped a tear or touched my face. I remember her hands were so cold.

The honest recounting of my c-section

My husband arrived about this time and I couldn’t look at him. I felt gross and my heart broke. I knew I’d lose it if I looked at him.

The dr kindly asked if I wanted any particular music and at this point, I just wanted to get on and for them to do a good job. So the c-section started..

You can smell your skin burning and your body tugging and yanking. I felt motion sick. It took everything inside of me not to let a negative thought inside my head.

Baby was born at 3:50.

I know now why they strap your arms down during a c-section. It’s me. I’m the reason.

My arms were not strapped down and I tried to pull down the barrier so I could better see my son. Once the anesthesiologist realized she shrieked and said “Oh no! That side is sterile they still have to put you back together!”.

Once they laid my baby on me. I still loved him just as much as if he came to me any other way. Of course, I was terrified I wouldn’t – as if my child being cut from me takes away the full 9 months I’d been waiting to hold him. I felt so much joy and love and then quickly demanded someone take him away because I felt terrible!

Apparently, my blood pressure had dropped super low. The anesthesiologist gave me a puke bag and I just kept asking her to touch my face with her cold hands.

A successful c-section followed by poor aftercare

After the c-section, my husband, new baby, and I were basically escorted to a storage closet. There were multiple machines not in use staying in this already very cramped and tiny room.

There were so many machines that my husband couldn’t come to my bedside if he tried.

It took 24 hours to even see a lactation consultant. No one told me how long or how often to breastfeed. I thought I was acing it until I finally saw a consultant. She arrived with milk to feed him with a bottle!

Nurses brought bags of water at a time to re-fill my drinking water because the nurses didn’t want to re-suit up to come in and out of my room. They never offered my also locked-down husband anything to drink.

I understand everyone was worried about Covid, but this was March 2022. Basically, everyone had had it at some point and it was time to move on from this crazy lockdown.

After multiple attempts and a successful refusal of the 2nd Covid test for the baby. We requested an early release and they allowed us to leave one day earlier than they typically allow for C-sections.

They basically had to lock down the hospital and escort us out while carrying all our stuff in one full trip.

The care and environment were terrible. I understand the Covid protocols were difficult for the nurses as well. It was a stressor for everyone so we took ourselves out of the situation.

The aftermath of my natural birth turned c-section

I’m grateful that we are all healthy and alive. But being that this experience caught me off guard I think it was difficult to divert my attention from the negative. I kept gettin stuck in one bad situation after the next.

The entire experience was so bad that I cried for months, anytime I thought about the birth of my son.

My natural birth turned c-section experience left me feeling violated and taken advantage of.

It took me to a dark place of self-ridicule. I began to spiral on negative feelings and then tried to overcompensate by being the best I could be. Because of this, it was very difficult for me to release control.

I got up for every waking, did every feeding and pumped in between. At the time, there was a formula shortage and all the while I was trying to figure out how I was going to keep up my barely-making-it breast milk supply to feed my baby.

My intentions were to go back to work, so I was a slave to the pump trying to have enough to feed my baby while I was traveling for work.

I had a follow-up appointment and I boarder line failed my postpartum survey.

Her response was “You need to hire help. You are just overwhelmed.”

I don’t disagree, but the help was never hired and I stayed over-whelmed.

I had read too many how-tos and suppose-tos on baby sleep, eating, activities, etc, that my anxiety was through the roof. The negativity started seeping into other areas of my life.

I later realized that I did in fact have motherly instincts. If I just let myself, I knew what my baby needed.

How it’s going now

So I began releasing one thing at a time and things started to get better.

I can now say I am light-years away from where I was. I’m seeing things constantly going in my favor. My entire family is happy, healthy, and thriving! We have regular family time and I’m laughing frequently. We have future travel plans and I have made time for extended family and friends.

All these things bring me great joy.

If you are having a hard time navigating disappointment after a poor birth experience (or any bad experience) you too can have things that bring you joy.

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