I’ve always dreamed of an unmedicated birth and when I became pregnant I set out to do just that. When my unmedicated natural birth turned c-section I had to practice navigating disappointment. In this post series, I’ve decided to share my birth experience to shed light and give encouragement to any mother struggling with an unsatisfactory birth story, PPD/PPA, or the new mom adjustment.

This past year becoming a mom has honestly been a challenge for me. I obsessed over my little boy and love him to my core. Of course, he is not the issue. I wouldn’t even say I could pinpoint one particular problem that made my becoming a mother much more complex than expected.

I can see now that focusing on all the “bad” things that happened during my birth had an impact on my postpartum journey. It made it very hard navigating disappointment with how my birth story went. I’ve come a long way from how I felt when I started motherhood.

I’m writing my story to bring awareness to advocating for yourself, knowing your options and if you or anyone you know is struggling with an unsatisfactory birth or anxiety/postpartum or even just the difficulty of transitioning into motherhood, you/they are NOT alone and there is the other side.

I had a hard time and I got through it. I’m thriving and very well today – you can be too.

Before we get into how I got to where I am now. I want to share my slightly less-than-satisfactory birth story.

The beginning of the upset – 2nd trimester

My OBGYN came highly recommended by my best friend. At the time this doctor worked out perfectly because she delivered at Presbyterian. I had read how Presbyterian was the BEST IN DALLAS and even offered water births. I now realize these ads are paid for.

However, This doctor called me during my 2nd trimester to tell me she was leaving the practice. I decided to go with the flow and continue with the same practice even though I had no specific doctor.

Because I wanted an unmedicated natural birth I felt like I was chopped liver at the doctor’s office. Not a single doctor was interested in adding me on as a patient.

I was told by one doctor “It doesn’t matter who you choose you are going to get whoever you see when you go into labor”.

Then told by another doctor, “Yeah, you can try to have an unmedicated natural birth. I have a lot of women that try“.

But every single doctor attempted to convince me to be induced at the earliest legal opportunity – mostly because my baby was going to be too big.

Furthermore, the actual doctor that I “picked” but rarely saw, had a picture of her during a c-section holding a 13-pound baby, in the exam room.

To say the least, my trust and excitement quickly dwindled after my original doctor left.

Then I got sick…

During this time I received the flu vaccine for the first time. Then from November to January, I think I bounced around with Covid, the Flu, the common cold and bronchitis. My 2nd trimester (the one where you typically feel great) was miserable. I coughed so much I peed myself – all the time. Miserable.

My third trimester was amazing. Obviously very big, my body and health felt great. I slept well and most of my pregnancy pains were managed with yoga and chiropractic care. I was nesting and getting very excited. My mom and sister even threw me the most beautiful baby shower!

But the problems at the doctor’s office persisted.

Once I was 40 weeks the girls working the front desk even questioned why I was able to leave without being induced. “They are letting you leave?”.

This was obviously a red flag, but what was I as a first-time mom, without a trusted doctor to do? I was doing yoga, going for walks, eating dates, drinking red raspberry leaf tea and seeing an acupuncturist.

When navigating disappointment became difficult: A mandatory induction.

41 weeks arrived, I was told I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital and that I HAD to be induced.

When I responded with “I’m going to go have lunch with my husband first.”

The doctor told me, “No and I’ve called the police before”.

I was never offered information that my baby or I was in danger. Apparently, my fluid was low, but it had happened in the past from dehydration. I upped my water intake and up went baby’s fluid.

At this point the manipulation and broken trust truly had me questioning anything they said.

Granted, I was still terrified. So lonely, nervous, and stripped of joy I waited in a long line at the hospital cafeteria. While I waited I just want to mention the ridiculous string quartet that was playing.

Typically I would have totally been into it. But they were playing in the middle of a busy foyer and not a soul was listening. I have visited this building what seemed like a million times and not once had they been there.

Today of all days I got graced with comfort music. People seemed to be ignoring them and with my nervous feelings I legit felt like I was on the Titanic and we were all going down.

I was afraid I was going to have a search team out for me so I didn’t eat my food and took it to go get my room.

I was told multiple times to ask for a room with a birthing tub. When I did I was basically looked at like I was crazy and was told “We will see”. That’s the last I heard about that.

So I get to my room and the induction begins with a Dinoprostone. A Dinoprostone is basically a tampon with medication on it to soften your cervix. At this time, I hadn’t even dilated .5 cm.

You’ve got to be COVID me!?

The nurse I had was lovely. She told me how to disconnect from the baby monitoring machines so I could move around, she brought me a birthing ball and generally made me feel like she was here for my support and care.

Mandatorily she had to give me a covid test and what do you know? I tested positive! You can imagine the struggles I’m beginning to have with navigating disappointment after disappointment,

At this time it is the beginning of March and, as I said, I more than likely had it along with a slew of other things during the holidays. I believe what was detected on this test was the leftover of my previous Covid from months before.

She explained that in order for a PCR test to be considered “inactive covid”, a test must spin around 38 times before resulting in a positive. Mine spun 33.

So of course the visits from nurses slowed and my anxious husband cooped up only grew more anxious.

I don’t need to go into the details of how “having covid” during this time made everything so much harder. If you’ve had a baby you can imagine. We still hadn’t gathered all the things from our cars yet, now our doula was no longer allowed to come and every time someone came in we had to scramble for a mask.

12 hours later we check my cervix. I still have not dilated so in goes another lovely very uncomfortable and dried-up tampon. If you’ve ever incorrectly inserted a tampon or tried to take one out too soon you may understand a bit of this discomfort I was having.

On top of the Dinoprostone, they decided to also start Pitocin; amping it up each hour/30mins. So my rest was non existant. Also, while dear hubby was snoozing, of course.

When my natural birth turned c-section

12 plus hours later, now over 24 hours with a funky tampon in my vagina, my cervix still had not budged.

At this point I had been on the highest dose of Pitocin for quite some time; If I did this for another 24 hours, how would the baby do during labor – how would I do?

I knew I didn’t want an emergency c-section and I didn’t want to stress out my baby. To top this off I had an antsy husband, a serious lack of any fresh air and pushy doctors.

Throughout this entire time, I had many friends fighting for my rights who were supportive but also caused me a lot of anxiety. Plus, locked up in a windowless room for 24 hours without any freedom puts a toll on mental health. Hit with many roadblocks and upsets I ended up ditching my unmedicated natural birth and agreeing to a C-section. I truly had just given up.

…and that’s exactly what it feels like; Giving up. Did I not do enough to bring my baby into this world? Is this the right decision?

My doula advised me to ask for an epidural before surgery to help relax my cervix and maybe I would begin to dilate. When I said this to my doctor she told me, “yeah, that’s not how we do it”.

It took my body a while after the Pitocin had stopped to quit having contractions. Finally, my body stopped and I was able to contact friends and family for updates. It was very difficult at this time.

I felt like I needed to text or talk to each of my family members before surgery. I can’t even explain all the emotions I had, but I’m literally crying right now as I write this. Trying to remain positive while navigating disappointment and not be afraid all at the same time has me very overwhelmed.

Up until this point in my life, I had never even had an IV. I am lucky to have a very healthy life. So the idea of being cut open is terrifying.

I had practiced hypnobirthing for the past 9 months and dreamed of the moment I brought my baby into the world. Now I was sitting in failure and terror.

How did this unmedicated natural birth turn c-section? Where did I go wrong on the path to a beautiful positive birth?

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